Mankeeping is the latest controversial social issue making the rounds everywhere from the New York Times to TikTok. The term refers to the emotional labor in relationships (distinct from the considerable mental load) that women are tasked with in heteronormative relationships, essentially acting as unpaid therapists. In other words, not only are women expected to manage their own well-being and social life, but they’re also expected to serve as the social and emotional hub for their partners.

If you’re the wife or girlfriend who turns to friends and family (including maybe your life partner) for heart-to-heart talks, but your husband or boyfriend relies solely on you to vent or process emotions, you may be mankeeping. Do you make plans with girlfriends with whom you share confidences, while your man prefers to keep his social life to a group chat or work buddies? Again, mankeeping.

If you’re thinking that being your partner’s sole emotional support person is too heavy, you’re not alone. As a mom of an older teenage son, I see a generation of kids that need to learn how to form meaningful connections and grow to independence, including resisting mankeeping. It reminds me of an Instagram post showing a graded elementary school test that asked, “what is marriage?” The child’s response? “Marriage is whereby someone can’t take care of her grown up son and you have adopted him.”

In the interest of teaching all our teen boys to do better, I asked a medical doctor specializing in teens and a family therapist for advice on preventing mankeeping in future generations.

Gentle Parenting Is Out and Sturdy Parenting Is In

Meet the Experts

• Dr. Lauren Hartman, is a double board-certified physician in Adolescent Medicine and Pediatrics with more than a decade of experience. She specializes in teen mental health, eating disorders, body image, gender-expansive youth and the impact of social media. Dr. Hartman has served as Chair of Adolescent Medicine at Kaiser Permanente Northern California, Director of the East Bay Pediatric Eating Disorder Program and West Coast Medical Director at Equip.
• Todd Sarner, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, parenting coach and expert in attachment-based approaches. For over 20 years, he’s helped families navigate behavior challenges and strengthen relationships at home. A former faculty member of the Neufeld Institute, Todd draws on leading research in attachment, neuroscience and child development.

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