I’d heard the phrase “mental load” before, but it wasn’t until I had kids that it really clicked: Oh. Managing your own life is one thing—even your life plus a needy pet. But running a household? That’s an entirely different beast. Sure, you can outsource groceries, cleaning, laundry, even organization. But the invisible stuff—the intangibles—fall to the people living inside those four walls. And that’s where the family calendar comes in. Whether it exists only in you and your spouse’s brains, on a sprawling Homegoods piece hanging in the mudroom or a shared Google Cal, the comings and goings of life in any family have to be managed. And so much of the time, it falls solely on women. On me. I felt like my brain was breaking. And breaking under the pressure of banal things—vet appointments, school forms, communication with doctors over eczema creams. I would look at our overgrown lawn, hungry weeds taking over—completely unrelated to the aforementioned tasks—and be brought to my knees in overwhelm. I was drowning in the minutiae of family logistics.

So I turned to the experts, including Jessica Koosed Etting, founder and CEO of Jam, a family logistics management app created for this very issue. Her first response was simple but firm: the calendar should never be one person’s job.

And yet, even knowing that, I still found myself asking: OK, but how? How do you actually get your partner to carry the load without handing them an instruction manual for every single task? That’s when I learned the phrase that changed everything—and finally got my husband to take share the burden of the family calendar.

Meet the Experts:

Jessica Koosed Etting, Founder & CEO of Jam, a family management app that streamlines the logistics of modern family life and reduces the mental load.

Dr. Zelana Montminy is behavioral scientist and author of the forthcoming book, Finding Focus. One of Maria Shriver’s Architects of Change, Dr. Montminy is a trusted authority on resilience, emotional well-being and navigating modern life’s mental load.

The Phrase 

“Can you take the mental lead on this one?”

Why It Works: “So often,” begins Dr. Montminy, “the invisible load isn’t just about scheduling, it’s about holding the responsibility in your head. By asking your partner to take the mental lead, you’re not just delegating tasks, you’re shifting ownership. It signals: I trust you to carry this, not just execute it. That small shift in language can rebalance the mental load and create real partnership.”

In practice: I tried it with something that had been gnawing at me: our dog. Between the vet appointments, meds, food orders and grooming, pet care had become the proverbial straw on my camel’s back. So one night, instead of sighing and rattling off the list of to-dos, I looked at my husband and said, “Can you take the mental lead on this one?” And he did. Suddenly, I wasn’t the only one holding the running checklist in my head—he was the point person. It was a small shift, but it felt like oxygen—especially after it turned out our dog needed some major dental surgery. If I had gone to that vet visit, it would have been me leading the charge on a situation that I think would have broken me.  As Zelana writes in her forthcoming book Finding Focus, learning how to release what weighs us down is essential so that our attention and energy can return to what matters most.

Another Key Phrase to Use for Reinforcement

“Our kids are watching.”

Why It Works: Per Etting, we want to model for both sons and daughters that parents work as a team to tackle the work of the family. “When kids see parents splitting up the mental load labor, they better understand that this isn’t just one person’s ‘job’ and that everyone benefits from chipping in together,” she explains.  

How to Make Sharing the Mental Load Stick

Communicate how it makes you feel: For Etting, it’s all about communication. Tell your partner, for example, that when they contribute to managing the family calendar you feel lighter, less anxious, less stressed, more in control and more able to handle other needed tasks, because you are working together. “We’re all more inclined to stick with a habit if we know someone is counting on us (like an accountability partner!),” says Etting.

Bring up things that aren’t working: Second, communicate if something isn’t working. Tasks that you “own” can be swapped and adjusted so that the system works for everyone—in fact it always should be evolving, shares Etting. 

The One Phrase to Avoid Using

“It’s easier to just do it myself.”

You’re frustrated. You’re tired. And it’s on the tip of your tongue. But, as Etting reminds me, when you say this phrase to your partner, it doesn’t empower the other person to want to do it again.  And the truth is, “It’s easier to just do it myself” is sometimes true—but it’s also a trap. Every time we say it, we reinforce the very imbalance that’s driving us to exhaustion. Sharing the mental load takes practice, patience and, yes, a few awkward calendar invites. And if my husband can now handle the family calendar and the dog’s dental surgery without me spiraling, I’m convinced: sharing the mental lead might just be the greatest household hack since the Roomba.

We Need to Teach Our Sons to Share the Mental Load (No, Chores Aren’t Enough)