Meet the Experts

• Simone Collins is the co-author of the bestselling book The Pragmatist's Guide to Relationships, with her husband, Malcolm. The two met at the Stanford Graduate School of Business and co-founded the art commission marketplace ArtCorgi.com, after which Collins earned her graduate degree from Cambridge while working in VC. The couple now runs a number of travel companies.
• Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, Ed.S., LMFT, is a Marriage & Family Therapist and Family Business Consultant. She has worked both in private practice and in the corporate setting, helping her clients to examine assumptions, think creatively, and build upon strengths. She holds degrees in Marriage & Family Therapy, Organizational Psychology, and Developmental Psychology.
• Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, (aka "Dr. Romance") is a psychotherapist and author of Romance's Guide to Finding Love Today. With more than 40 years’ experience in counseling individuals and couples, Tessina appears frequently on radio, TV, video and podcasts.
• Nicole Arzt, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Sometimes Therapy Is Awkward : A Collection of Life-Changing Insights for the Modern Clinician. As a therapist, her overarching goal is to provide each client with a secure relationship where they can truly be themselves.

1. Acknowledge the Signs: Recognize the Signs of Falling Out of Love Early

Answering “Yes, that’s me!” to any of the above signs does not mean your relationship is over. It simply means the partnership needs attention. First and foremost, figure out if this is a chronic issue. Relationships have ups and downs. Having one or two bad days every now is perfectly natural. However, when those one-offs become trends, it can be the sign of a bigger problem.

2. Reflect on the Relationship: Determine if the Relationship Is Still Serving Both Parties

To figure out how you really feel, try journaling regularly and tracking your feelings. Revisit these entries and notes over time to see how frequently you’re having doubts about your love. Check in with close friends or family members to see if they’ve noticed a shift in your behavior or emotional state. You may not even notice how frequently you complain about your partner or how drastically your happiness levels have plummeted.

Hot tip: While embarking on this journey, don’t give up until you’ve given it the consideration it deserves. “Keep on with the good behaviors you have always counted on,” says O’Neill. “Don't punish each other before you've had a chance to talk and reflect and understand each other.”

3. Communicate Openly: Have honest Conversations with Your Partner.

This is not a time to be cagey about what you want and need; your partner isn't a mind reader, so it's essential to be as open and honest with them as possible in order to come to a resolution. Are tough conversations the most comfortable conversations to have? No way, but the alternative (skirting around the real issues) will only lead to continued struggles.

4. Identify What You Envision for Your Future

For anyone neglecting to make future plans with their partner, consider what it is you envision for your future. Then, what do you want in a lifelong partner? Coming to this internal awareness of what it is you truly want will be the most helpful in moving forward and will help you communicate what you want (or don’t) for your future with your partner in a vulnerable and honest way.

5. Tackle Resentment Right Away

As soon as you sense resentment brewing, deal with it at the source. If you avoid it, bitterness has a way of spreading, multiplying and infecting other areas of the relationship. Avoid keeping score or tracking how many times your partner does something “wrong." If you start looking for things that are wrong, you will find them. The worst thing you can do is dwell on the thoughts for months and allow your brain to create something that's not really there.

6. Discuss and Reinvest in Your Shared Values

Think back on why you fell in love in the first place. What values and goals did you share with your partner? Be open with your partner as you discuss whether these values and goals have changed.

“The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed,” says Tessina. “What makes love last is an attitude of ‘I want both you and me to get what we want in this relationship.’”

It’s normal that as people evolve, so do their values and goals. If it turns out that initial flame (infatuation) was the only thing holding you together, it’s worth reassessing whether the relationship is still serving both parties.

Be sure to practice active listening during any and all discussions. Avoid distractions and be genuinely curious about what your partner is going through, too.

7. Seek  Help: Consider Counseling or Advice from Relationship Experts

There is no shame in asking for help. This could mean being mentored by another couple who has been through the ringer and survived. It could mean going to couples counseling.

Whatever it is, it’s a great idea whether you’re falling out of love or not. Why wait until things are horrible? Investing in a romantic relationship before things get really bad is a beautiful demonstration of love.

Finally, know you are not alone. Falling out of love isn’t fun, but again, it’s natural. How you navigate it will determine how hard it hits you.

8. Take Action: Decide Whether to Work on Rekindling the Connection or to Part Ways Amicably

Once you've had open, honest conversations about where you're headed as a couple, don't drag things out further by continuing to hem and haw. Regardless of whether you've decided to part ways or try to make it work, commit to a plan and start taking steps to follow through with it.

9. Don’t Force It

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and your partner is to call it quits. Though fighting for your relationship is always encouraged, sometimes you know that no amount of therapy or long in-depth conversations is going to salvage the situation. If you’re falling out of love and no longer see a future with that person, save everyone some time by graciously walking away.

10. Prioritize Self-Care: Ensure Both Partners Focus on Their Well-Being Throughout the Process

The end of a relationship—especially one that's gone on for years—can be heartbreaking, which is why it's crucial for you and your partner to prioritize healing during this transitional time. Lean on friends, family and maybe even mental health professionals for support and remember to be kind to yourself and recognize that while things may feel really hard right now, you ultimately know what's best for you.

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