I was in the middle of researching Eldest Daughter Syndrome for a story when my phone buzzed with a familiar notification. A text from an unknown number. (Well, not entirely unknown—I knew exactly who it was.) "Hey stranger," it read. I rolled my eyes. Oh, Luke. Again?

Let me back up. When I first met Luke (years ago), there were fireworks. The conversation felt like a game of cat and mouse—he was undeniably charming and our chemistry was palpable. We went on two dates that left me giddy; spit-firing texts to the group chat on the cab ride home. But then, just as I was thinking, “Could this be something?” he disappeared. One day we were bantering over Negronis, and the next, radio silence. Was I confused? Yes. Heartbroken? Negative. It was two dates—hardly enough time to warrant a teary-eyed binge of The Way We Were. 

Since then, however, an interesting pattern has emerged. Every three to six months, right when I’ve nearly forgotten Luke exists, my phone lights up with an ambiguous “Hey stranger.” It’s as if no time has passed. And while his casual check-ins aren’t vexing, per se, as a relationship writer, I do find them fascinating. Why circle back after the train has left the station? If we were hooking up, I’d at least understand it from a practical standpoint—no need to buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. But for a PG relationship (that never led to him coming upstairs), I can’t see the logic behind his attempts to keep me on the hook. 

Until one day, I saw TikTok had named the phenomenon: Submarining.

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Meet The Experts

• Dené Logan, LMFT, is a therapist at Flowerhouse Therapy in Santa Monica, CA. She holds a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute and was a mentee to acclaimed couples therapist, Esther Perel. As a Marriage and Family Therapist with an orientation in Depth Psychology, Logan specializes in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), and Brainspotting (BSP). 
• Dr. Catherine Nobile, Psy.D., graduated Summa Cum Laude from Sacred Heart University with a degree in Psychology. She then earned a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology from Teachers College, Columbia University before she was awarded a doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology at Yeshiva University. She am an active member of several professional organizations, including the American Psychological Association, the Academy of Cognitive & Behavioral Therapy, the NYS Psychological Association, and NYC-CBT. She is currently a clinical supervisor at Yeshiva University and Northwell Health.
• Dr. Wendy Walsh, PhD, is a Relationship Expert at DatingAdvice and psychology professor with a PhD in Clinical Psychology. She is a New York Times best-selling author who has written three books on relationships and thousands of print and digital articles. She’s hosted "The Dr. Wendy Walsh Show" on iHeart Radio since 2015, and she is the former Emmy-nominated co-host of "The Doctors.” She was also named a Time Magazine Person of the Year in 2017 after speaking out about harassment at a major news network.

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Submarining vs. Ghosting: What's the Difference?

Ghosting and submarining have one major thing in common: both involve abrupt disconnection without explanation. For many of my friends, this had led to spiraling, self-doubt and embarrassingly long sessions of analyzing old texts. The difference, however, is that "Ghosting is when someone suddenly goes completely silent without warning—no more texts, calls or activity on social media—leaving the other person without closure or understanding of why the relationship ended," says Dr. Catherine Nobile. The key here is that ghosting usually means they’ve disappeared for good. Submarining, in contrast, "involves a person disappearing for a period and then reappearing, attempting to reestablish contact without addressing their previous absence," Nobile says.

So, if ghosting is a clean break, submarining is more of an unwelcome encore. Let’s break down the differences more specifically:

• Disappearance vs. Reappearance: Ghosting involves permanently cutting off contact, while submarining includes resurfacing after an indefinite hiatus.
• Communication: Ghosters leave you in dead silence, whereas submariners return with a casual “yooooo wattup,” resuming communication as if nothing happened.
• Closure: Ghosting leaves no explanation, ever, while submarining creates confusion by failing to address their original vanishing act.
• Permanence: Ghosters stay gone; submariners imply they might float back into your life whenever they please.

1. "Nice to see you’re alive…"

Per Logan, a little humor can help you communicate how you feel without diving into a serious conversation. She suggests that using lighthearted sarcasm can point out their behavior in a way that’s less direct but still gets the message across. As Logan puts it, “Humor can sometimes be an effective way to establish a boundary without feeling like you’re demanding an immediate explanation.” This way, you’re calling out their vanishing act while keeping things light and showing them that you’re not just going to let it slide unnoticed. (If you want my two cents, I’d send this text with nothing afterward—let them do the heavy lifting to reignite the conversation.)

2. “Appreciate you reaching out, but what was up with the sudden radio silence?"

Logan says another route to take is addressing the elephant in the room as directly as possible. By asking them to acknowledge their sudden reappearance, you encourage accountability and set a standard for the kind of communication you expect. Still, Logan warns, “This person may find this type of question confrontational and might attempt to use gaslighting to downplay their disappearance. It’s crucial to hold your ground and maintain integrity in your experience.” In other words, you’re not letting them slide back in without explaining themselves, reinforcing that your feelings and boundaries matter.

3. No Response

And now, my personal favorite: silence. Sometimes, the best message to send is no message at all. Dr. Nobile emphasizes that choosing not to engage can be a powerful way to set a boundary. “Not engaging can be the clearest boundary you set,” she says. This approach sends a strong signal that their behavior doesn't merit your time or energy—you expect more. By choosing silence, you protect your emotional space while making it clear that you won’t be drawn back into an unhealthy dynamic. Logan also supports this tactic, adding, “We ultimately teach people how to treat us through the behavior we accept or refuse to accept.”

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