Meet the Experts

• Dr. Stefanie Mazer, PsyD, is a psychologist based in Palm Beach, Florida. She focuses on individuals’ and couple’s therapy pertaining to anxiety, depression and major life transitions. Dr. Mazer earned her BA in psychology from Rollins College and holds both masters and doctorate degrees in psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology.
• Phebe Brako-Owusu is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in University Place, Washington. Brako-Owusu is the founder and CEO of 253 Therapy and Consult.

What Exactly Makes a Person Toxic?

The Root Causes of Toxic Sibling Relationships

Often, we’re in the middle of a situation wondering exactly how we got there. When it comes to toxic sibling relationships, Dr. Mazer explains that much of it goes back to early family dynamics. “If there was favoritism, neglect or blurred boundaries in the home, it can create patterns that play out well into adulthood,” she tells me. “One sibling might have taken on more responsibility, while the other was allowed to remain dependent. Or one may have been praised while the other felt invisible. These roles tend to stick unless they are consciously worked through.”

Toxic dynamics aren’t all dramatic screaming matches and Cold War silences. A lot of the signs can start off subtle: Little jabs, guilt trips, feeling emotionally drained after an encounter.

“When you find yourself consistently anxious before a phone call, or emotionally depleted afterward, those are signs something is off.” Dr. Mazer says. “If your sibling ignores your boundaries, mocks your values or only contacts you when they need something, it can take a toll over time.”

Psychological Impacts and When to Get Help

Interacting with a toxic family member is incredibly draining—but don’t go too long without seeking help.

Dr. Mazer advises attempting to set boundaries before severing ties, especially if you notice guilt, confusion, self doubt, avoidant behaviors and defensiveness creeping in. Toxic family members can even affect your confidence, sense of safety and trust.

“It could mean limiting the topics you discuss, setting clear boundaries around what behavior you’ll tolerate or choosing how and when you engage,” she says. “Therapy can help you explore the deeper patterns beneath the conflict and give you tools to protect your well-being. You don’t need your sibling to agree with your version of events in order to take care of yourself. Your clarity is enough. If you leave every interaction feeling smaller, unheard, or unsettled, it’s worth paying attention to that. Peace in a family should not come at the cost of your mental health.”

When (and How) to Cut Ties

Sometimes, the only thing you can do is cease contact, though this is a serious decision. It’s difficult for many reasons, but sometimes, self-preservation must be prioritized.

“It’s rarely impulsive,” Dr. Mazer notes. “It’s most often the product of emotional fatigue. No contact is drawing a line. It might mean blocking phone numbers, no longer attending family gatherings, or simply not participating in the dance that has left you feeling drained or endangered. It's not about payback or retribution. It's about reclaiming your tranquility when all else has failed.” So what do those signs look like? Dr. Mazer says that it might be time for no-contact if you observe some of these behaviors:

• You feel worse after every interaction
• Your sibling consistently crosses boundaries
• They’re manipulative or abusive
• Conversations are often used to gaslight or escalate

Though you may be doing this for your own sanity, it’s OK to grieve what is effectively the death of a relationship. Dr. Mazer reassures me that it’s not dramatic or disloyal to take this step, and that guilt is a normal companion of grief.

When it comes to processing guilt and grief, Dr. Mazer recommends writing things down, even if it’s for your eyes only. Record how the relationship made you feel, your actions and emotional costs. This can provide clarity and a reminder when guilt feels overwhelming. The other key thing is to remember that you’re not responsible for how other family members feel about the decision.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that just because you’re cutting ties with your family member doesn’t mean you’re closing your heart, Dr. Mazer says.

“It’s about closing the door to chaos,” she explains. “You can still carry compassion without granting access. You can wish someone well from a distance. And over time, you can learn to live without the hope that they’ll become who you needed them to be. That’s where healing begins.”

Additional Experts

• Deborah Vinall, PSY-D, LMFT, is a Los Angeles-based mental health therapist and psychologist. She runs Tamar Counseling Services, specializing in trauma treatment. Vinall is the author of Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal From Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships and Trauma Recovery Workbook for Teens.
• Jasmine Bishop is an Arkansas-based licensed professional counselor and the owner of Olive Tree Health, serving teens, adults and families. Bishop holds a Master of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Henderson State University.

9 Signs You Were Raised in a Toxic Family (& How to Move On)