Unfortunately, being ghosted has nothing to do with Patrick Swayze, Devon Sawa or any other hunky spirit in a big-budget film. Quite the opposite, actually. Being ghosted means someone vanishes from all communication—typically in reference to a romantic courting of sorts—and you’re left without answers, or worse, their unfinished business. Rude! The worst part about being ghosted? Contemplating your next move, which usually means composing the perfect text. A post-ghost text has to do a million things at once: call them out, ask them why, let ‘em have it and get some closure. All while sounding as breezy as possible. There’s no perfect response after being ghosted, but honey, you’ve got options. I consulted five relationship experts to bring you 12 text ideas worthy of pressing “send.”

• Hilary Weinstein, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the founder of HLW Therapy, based in New York. Weinstein specializes in treating depression, anxiety, relationship issues and eating disorders. She holds a degree in psychology from Bucknell University and a master’s degree in social work from Fordham University.
• Claire AH is a matchmaker, dating coach and owner of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking in Toronto, Canada. AH holds a degree psychology from York University.
• Ruby Payne is a sex and relationship expert at UberKinky, a leading adult toy retailer. Payne’s work has appeared in The Sun, Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan and more, where she has covered sex and relationships for over 10 years.
• John De Oca is a board-certified nurse practitioner and relationship coach who has worked in the healthcare field for over a decade.
• Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, a psychological practice that treats learning disorders, anxiety, depression and other psychopathological disorders. Dr. Hafeez obtained her Doctor of Psychology at Hofstra University and completed her post-doctoral training in neuropsychology and developmental pediatrics at Coney Island Hospital.

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What to Text After Being Ghosted

Every situation is unique, but here are ten texts to send after being ghosted. A few words of advice before you pick up your phone: send only one text, don’t give in to anger, no guilt-tripping and release any expectations.

What Is Ghosting?

Ghosting is a haunting phenomenon. It happens when the person you’ve recently started dating stops contacting you cold turkey. Hilary Weinstein, LCSW, of HLW Therapy, says, “When a person ‘ghosts,’ they are non-verbally communicating to you that they are not interested, or unsure at best.” Silence is a rotten way to let someone know you no longer want to date them. In fact, part of the reason ghosting is so frustrating is because there are no specifics! The person on the receiving end is left wondering if things are totally dead and if so, why?

We like to understand why things happen. When we’re ghosted, not only do we not know why, we begin thinking we’re the problem. “[Ghosting] often starts the spiral of narratives of negative self-talk, insecurities, and replaying interactions to try to guess ‘what went wrong,’ or ‘wasn’t enough,’” says Weinstein.   

This is why that urge to text after you’ve been ghosted is so strong. We want our control back! All these emotions—anger, fear, hurt—swirl around and we choose the only weapon available to us: our phone.

Why Do People Ghost?

People ghost for a lot of reasons. One thing to remember: It’s not about you. For the most part, people who ghost aren’t comfortable communicating their emotions and don’t like confrontation. Breaking up with someone requires both and some folks aren’t cut out for it.

“They are giving you the gift of showing you, early on, a bunch of red flags about their ability to communicate, respect your feelings, prioritize somebody other than themselves, and basically, have their emotional shit together,” says Weinstein. “Whether or not you two shared certain interests, humor, physical attraction or otherwise is beside the point.”

Claire AH, a matchmaker, dating coach and owner of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking, reminds people that while ghosting is bad behavior, it can definitely come from a place of pain. It’s hard to know where someone is coming from if your only experience with them is a few sushi dates. In fact, when Taimi, the largest LGBTQ+ dating platform, asked users about their experiences with ghosting, several admitted they ghosted out of fear.

One user said she even ghosted people she was sure would’ve become great partners. “I think the main reason was my fear of the unknown,” she said. “I decided to end it because at that moment I faced major abandonment issues and was simply scared of diving into things deeper and then facing a potential breakup.”

Remember this if and when you decide to text after being ghosted. Lashing out and shooting off judgmental texts isn’t a good look whether the person is struggling with abandonment issues or not.

Should You Text Someone Who Ghosted You?

Overwhelmingly, all the experts we consulted recommend not texting anything after being ghosted. We know! It’s hard. Sending a message is just not worth your time or energy, especially since you can’t control the response. Would it be great to have them break down crying and apologize? Yes! Does that happen? Almost never!

But, there are a few circumstances where reaching out might make sense. If any of the following apply to you, wait a week or two to cool down, then compose a text.  

• They stood you up on a date
• Things were going incredibly well and the communication was consistent
• You’d been on more than four dates
• Your sole intention is to express yourself

Ruby Payne, sex and relationship expert at UberKinky, a leading adult toy retailer, says being stood up or ghosted after four dates is grounds for a text. Payne adds, “Your goal here shouldn’t be to win them back or punish them. Don’t shout, swear or try to get them to give you another chance…Don’t hold out for a response or an apology; be the bigger person and realize you’re better off without them.”

We particularly enjoyed the advice from John De Oca, a relationship coach and nurse practitioner, who says the intention behind your text is everything. “When the intention is to get a response out of them, I believe that is when we should refrain,” he says. “Texting will allow you to make that one last effort and truly get what you need off your chest.”

If all you want is a sobbing, apologizing fool on the other end of the text, put. Down. Your. Phone.

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